Parenting Young Adult Daughters

Raising daughters is one of the greatest blessings in life. But when your daughter becomes a young adult, you might wonder how to navigate your changing relationship. How are things different? What gets to stay the same?

Stacy and I are far from experts, but we love sharing our experiences and perspectives as moms of young adult daughters. We hope it’s encouraging for those who are also on this same road, as well as for those of you who are looking ahead and wondering what to expect.

Through it all, God is so gracious to guide and fill in the gaps where we fall short! We can look at this season with eager anticipation and not concern or fear. Let Him be your guide! We’re in this together!

Love, Nicole & Stacy

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Kari Kampakis, one of our favorite “internet moms,” recently shared this quote on Instagram:

“It has never been a mother’s job to make childhood so magical that our children don’t see their great need for Jesus, too. Our children do not need a perfect holiday; they need a perfect Savior. Every unmet expectation, every holiday frustration, every tear or argument is a chance to show our children the reason we needed our hearts to be rescued.”

Now that my girls are older, I realize just how much I idealized their childhood. I was so focused on every experience being perfect, happy, and magical that I carried a lot of unnecessary stress and pressure that I didn’t even realize was there at the time.

Imagine believing that I truly had control over creating the “perfect” childhood! It’s ridiculous, of course, but it’s such an easy trap to fall into. Even now, as my oldest is a couple months away from turning 19, I continue to reflect and wonder if I could have done things differently (aka: better).

I spent some time discussing this very issue with my counselor. Through tears, I wondered out loud if I had done it right! Had my parenting been exactly what my girls needed? Did I mess up along the way?

My counselor, in all her wisdom, looked right at me and said, “No, you didn’t do it all exactly right. And that’s ok.”

After the initial sting, there was something so freeing about hearing her say those words. I could finally let go and accept that I’m a human. And I make mistakes. And as a human that makes mistakes, I was bound to be an imperfect mom to my girls!

But I’m learning that those imperfect moments are often where God tenderly meets each of us and where much of our significant growth occurs! God will meet us in our imperfection. We can actively place our trust in God, fully believing that He hears & He is a responsive Father.

In preparing for this episode, Stacy and I reflected on some of our favorite (and hilarious, looking back!) holiday memories. The holidays were a prime time for me to really amp up my expectations! And no thanks to Pinterest, there was never a shortage of over-the-top crafts and recipes to create.

One memory in particular involved our annual tradition of decorating Christmas cookies. I found the PERFECT recipe and followed it explicitly. The thick cut-out cookies were the perfect size and texture for decorating.

I made sure we had every conceivable type of candy and holiday sprinkle. I also made homemade powdered sugar icing in every color my girls could ask for. It was a massive production, often taking several hours from start to finish. While the girls couldn’t care less how they turned out (they just wanted to sneak pieces of the candy in between decorating), I made a point of taking pictures throughout the entire process.

THE PERFECT CHRISTMAS TIME MEMORY!

I consider how those early years simply flew by, and I’m grateful for the privilege of being there for every moment. But as our girls reach young adulthood, it’s important to shift our expectations.

Boundaries look a lot different with your 18-year-old than your 8-year-old. Remember to allow your role to shift from "director" or "manager" in her life and become more of an "encourager" and "cheerleader". You can still offer support and advice, but often it’s best to sit back and wait to be asked for it. :)

This transition doesn’t happen overnight! Be patient with yourself and with your daughter as you learn to navigate these new dynamics together. As moms of adult daughters, we should step out of the driver’s seat and allow her to take the wheel. Consider yourself a passenger and prepare to be ready and available to help her navigate anytime she needs it.

Our parenting journey doesn’t end when our kids' become adults. Instead, we can celebrate adulthood and all that lies ahead for our girls. What a blessing to witness them stepping into their own journey, and to watch them become exactly who God created them to be!

Father God,

Thank you for the incredible privilege of raising daughters. As we wrestle with changing roles and life transitions, help us to approach these new experiences with grace and love. As our girls become young adults, we pray you would protect and guide them as they go out into the great, big world. Be near to our own hearts, Lord, as we release our expectations and instead seek Your will for our daughters' lives. Amen.