Communicating Well With Your Daughter

Communication is a tricky subject. As unique as our own personalities, the way we approach communication can differ quite a bit. Some prefer honest, back-and-forth dialogue. Others connect best when simply being an active listener, holding off on giving verbal feedback. And, if you’re dealing with teenage girls, communication may simply sound like a series of grunts, eyerolls, and one-word answers!

That’s just a joke! (Well, sort of.) In reality, we have found lots of success through trial and error when it comes to communicating with our daughters. It’s still a work in progress, of course, as is true for all of us. But we wanted to share some ideas for when you’re struggling to find a way to communicate well with your daughter.

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Communication is such an important topic for families. When you combine various personality types with hectic schedules and unrealistic expectations, communication seems to be the first thing to break down! Every situation and circumstance requires communication. Communication comes in forms of anger, edifying conversations, chatting through the hard stuff, and even simple communication of encouragement. That’s why it’s important that we find the best way to effectively communicate the things we want to say.

Picture a typical conversation with your daughter as she arrives home from school, or maybe even as she climbs into the car in the pick-up line. Does any of this sound familiar?

Mom: “Hey there! How was your day?!”

Darling Daughter: “Fine.”

Mom: “Did anything fun happen today?” DD: “No.”

Mom: “How were your classes?”

DD: “Good.”

Mom: “Do you have any homework?”

DD: “Yes.”

Mom: “Can you share your deepest, most vulnerable feelings with me so that I can properly help you navigate the struggles of adolescence, and also help ensure that I’m supporting you and encouraging you in all the right ways while simultaneously setting good, healthy boundaries around your emotional development when it comes to interacting with us as well as your peers?”

Ok, we don’t actually say that last part out loud, but it’s for sure what moms are thinking any time we seek to connect with our daughters!

We have found that as we approach conversations with our daughters, we are often carrying a hefty load of expectations as to how the interaction should and will go. The breakdown happens when we have conflicting expectations. It’s best to be up front about where we are coming from when we interact with our girls. Whether it’s simply to hear all about their day, help them through a difficult situation, or to guide them through whatever is going on in their life.

And if you have more than one child, it’s likely they have wildly different communication styles! One of my daughters is an open book: She shares exactly what’s on her mind and either asks for advice or just a listening ear when we have a conversation.

In contrast, my other daughter is not a verbal processor, but thrives on some down-time to internally process whatever is going on. Even if it’s simply decompressing from a long day at school, she benefits from some alone time before jumping into a conversation.

I have learned to be respectful of her need for space and thinking time, even though everything in me is desperate to dive in immediately and get all the details!

Just as with any aspect of parenting, it’s also so very important to submit to God’s will for each situation, including communicating with our daughters. As Christians, we are called to bear fruit. It is wise to lean into the strength of Christ and the Holy Spirit to communicate with others in love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, gentleness, faithfulness, goodness, and self-control. (Galatians 5:23-24)

When we remember to pray together before, during, or after a particularly challenging communication ordeal, our hearts are left in a much better place. Where there may have been anxiety, it is replaced by peace. Where there have been hardened hearts, they are softened. Many times perspectives are renewed.

Likewise, when I remember to pray and lean into God for wisdom and strength and NOT go forward on my own, the outcome and communication is often rich, filled with peace, and resolution.

I’ve been reading the book Praying the Scriptures for Your Teens by Jodie Berndt. This particular paragraph struck me:

“Teens have attitudes - nobody says they don’t - but so do we. And before we go saddling our kids with blame, we need to turn the mirror on ourselves. In his book “Age of Opportunity”, Paul David Tripp says that the teen years are often hard for parents because “they expose the wrong thoughts and desires of our OWN hearts” - things like self-righteousness, impatience, and a desire for our kids to succeed so that we WE will look good.

Ouch.”

When we pray with or for our kids, she asks God to “expose any wrong thoughts and desires in your own heart.” This is where that modeling comes in again. Not only are you modeling what it looks like to humbly confess sin before God, but it will then help give our girls encouragement that they don’t have to approach God as perfect and have it all together, but they can ask for His guidance in helping with communication in their own relationships.

Be encouraged as you seek to communicate well with your daughters, and receive the abundance of grace and love that Christ freely gives!

Lord, thank you for the precious gift of my daughter(s). I pray that you would be present in the midst of our conversations. Guide my words and help me to hold my tongue when necessary. Would you open the doors of communication at just the right time, and help me to use every interaction to edify, encourage, and support my sweet girl. Thank you for the tremendous privilege of being her mom. In Jesus’ name, amen.